- The weather on Judgment Day will be partly firebally, much like this Canadian natural-gas pipeline explosion in 1995. (AP Photo/Stew Cameron, Winnipeg Sun)
UPDATE 4:30 P.M.: Door to Hell found in Turkmenistan!
ORIGINAL: This Saturday will feature clear skies, summerlike temperatures and a thunder-truckin' earthquake that will shake the dead from their graves and leave them jumbled on the ground like litter. It kind of bites that the beginning of the end of the world falls on a weekend – Monday would've been way better – but on the other hand, TV fans won't have to gag through another execrable Saturday Night Live.
May 21, 2011 is the Rapture, the day when all humans living and dead will be accepted into heaven or left to perish in months of fiery doom on earth. Why May 21? Because this Droopy dog of a buzzkill says so:
Say hello to 89-year-old Harold Camping, fundamentalist Christian radio host, co-founder of the Family Radio network and harbinger of doom. Using an arcane algorithm that would “probably crash Google’s computers,” he's actually calculated the date of the Rapture and subsequent end of the world, on October 21, 2011. (His algorithm is based on dates of floods and numbers in the Bible.) He claims that evidence that the end is nigh comes from the recent Japanese earthquake, the huge tornado outbreak in the South and the fact that Glee hasn't been canceled yet. Despite his last name, Camping is not a fan of the gays.
It's worth saying that this guy is not representative of the Christian mainstream, or even Christian fundamentalists. Many Christians seem to resent him and his prophecies greatly. But he's gotten enough support and media attention (including a cover piece in the WaPo's Express this week) that he's lassoed the limelight and won't let go. While the doomsayer has whiffed on this kind of thing before, in 1994, this time his organization is claiming the “Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong.”
So, what should you wear this Saturday to ring in the Eschaton?
I would suggest perhaps a tank top or light-colored cotton short-sleeve shirt for the morning. Flip flops are acceptable, if you're comfortable looking that casual in the streets. A dominant area of high-pressure will assure that the air stays piping warm, perhaps as high as 77 degrees. No need for an umbrella as the day looks rainless.
From there on, though, it gets complicated. Here's the festering buffet of lousy weather that Camping is predicting for sinners who are stuck on earth for the next few, final months of 2011:
A colossal earthquake will strike at 6 p.m. in New Zealand. Not 6:01 p.m., not 5:55 p.m., but right on the hour. Camping says he plans on watching this on TV. The tremor will roll around the earth, dislodging bodies buried for thousands of years as it travels. According to the Family Radio website: “The remains of all the believers who have ever lived will be instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies to be forever with God. On the other hand the bodies of all unsaved people will be thrown out upon the ground to be shamed.”
Recommendation: Liquid-proof boots would be a good accessory.
Camping says the Day of Judgment will be accompanied by the heavens passing away “with a great noise.” No heavens presumably means no ozone layer, the sheet of atmosphere keeping out UV rays.
Recommendation: If there is still a CVS standing, now would be a good time to purchase bottles of SPF 70.
Tremendous waves of scorching heat and fire will obliterate everything and everyone left on earth this very October, says Camping. The weather will be worse than the Smithsonian Folklife Festival in July. And don't expect any of those water-misting cool-down tents; they'll probably be the first thing to go up in flames.
Recommendation: Nothing to do about this except pray. Actually, it would be too late for that at this point. Enjoy your Friday!